Miscarriage

Well it would be fun to joke who was the weaker sex in our baby making, but we found out a few weeks ago that we have a blighted ovum. The egg and the sperm did their little dance, but one of the two had some character flaws and they decided to make nothing of it.
It has been such a surreal experience from the very beginning. I'll recount our experience from the beginning for journal purposes and to give a glimpse into our lives the last couple months.
It first started off with the plan to get pregnant so that she would be pregnant by the time of dancesport, but not showing. We were lucky and got pregnant on the first try and timed it perfectly. Well that was easy...it's like we didn't even have to try. I remember when Ana Maria ran off to get a pregnancy test and called me at work and said that she couldn't wait to do the test. I freaked out, being the more sentimental one, and told her that she has to wait for me to get home. She called when I was driving home and told me that she has to go and she can't wait for me. I again freaked out full knowing that she would do it without me, so I got home as quickly as I could, and fortunately she waited for me. She did the test and then let me come in...We just stared at it...was that a plus sign? One of the lines was a dark solid line and the other was kind of faded but started to get darker the more we looked at it. Ana Maria was like, "is that really a plus sign" and I remember thinking "I'm pretty sure that is the most plus sign I've ever seen." We were really happy and decided to celebrate a Carrabas. The same place we went to after I purposed.
We went about our lives exited. It was such a unique thing that neither of us, obviously, have experienced before. I didn't want to tell anybody till the first trimester for traditional reasons, but Ana Maria really wanted to. She didn't like the pessimistic idea of keeping it quiet because "what if"... . I finally decided it was ok for a lot of reasons. Strangely most decisions in our life revolve around dance. I thought that it would be fair to Ana Maria's dance partners that they knew she was pregnant and wouldn't be able to dance at Nationals in March. Also I thought that if we did miscarry maybe it would shed some much needed light on the subject, hence why I am writing this lengthy entry.
We were still exited as the days went on. Ana Maria had no symptoms (which is a major warning sign, but still could just be lucky). We were getting a little worried and we decided to set up a Dr's appointment a few weeks after our prego test.
We went to the Dr's appointment and I was pretty reserved with my emotion. We go into the ultra sound room nervous and excited, and then we see what we affectionately now call the "black hole of death"... The g-sac where there is supposed to be a baby growing. I have never seen anything more vacant in my life. Next comes the hardest moment of this whole ordeal....the look you get from your spouse of dismay, fear, sadness, understanding, hope, and love, all wrapped in a gaze that is frankly indescribable. The ultrasound tech said that we could just be early, but we knew that there was no chance. Well, we were 99% sure and it was nice to be 100% sure when we went the next week and there was no development. It was annoying having that 1% of hope in the back of your mind that you knew was so minuscule that merely thinking of it would cause it to vanish.
There was a short grieving time for us, but we never saw a baby or a heartbeat just a plus sign on a pregnancy stick. *My most sincere condolences to those who have been farther along and miscarried...I can't imagine the heartbreak*
We find that about 1 in 6 (some say 8) people miscarry, and as we tell more and more people, it's amazing to find out how many people actually do miscarry. Life itself, the creation, the sustaining, everything about it, is truly a miracle. There is so much that can go wrong, it's almost unbelievable that life is even able to exist. We had what was called a blighted ovum (sp?). Where there is a chromosomal defect and no baby forms.
We really want kids, so we will try again here shortly, but feel that this time is now a time to recommit to each other and really enjoy this extra time that has been given to us....we can simply just enjoy each other without any distractions. Ana Maria really wanted to miscarry naturally (wont go into details, but pretty much a more severe period), to avoid some of the risks of a D&C (once again no details, but they pretty much take out everything manually). BUT, and this is a BIG BUT, we were making this decision the week of dancesport. Either have a D&C on Tues and dont practice for 2 days or hope and (literally) pray that she just naturally does it on a day other than Friday/Saturday (Dancesport). There is a very small risk of doing a D&C that the Dr. can cause scarring in your Uterus which makes it impossible to have kids, and Ana Maria appropriately commented, "what? you think Id risk NEVER having kids for dance?," so we decided to go naturally. It was truly a miracle/blessing that we got through Dancesport without the slightest hiccup. *And we had an awesome time!!!* THAT NIGHT (Sat) she started to spot and have pretty severe cramps. She was able to drift off sunday night, but woke up every couple minutes and by 4am was camped out in the bathroom cramping and bleeding....*insert more details here*, well after a long night of waking up to Ana Maria screaming bloody murder..."Ryan!!! HElp!!!!" every 30 minutes, it was decision time. We didnt know if she was hemorrhaging or not and her pain was getting more and more severe, so we decided to go to the ER at about 9am. She was so incredibly exhausted. They did some tests and did another ultrasound to see if she passed all the tissue. Unfortunately she didn't and they scheduled the D&C at 4pm. They knocked her out with some anti-nausea medicine. I sat by her and read a supply-chain management book as she slept. She was so tired. The took forever to have an opening and she didnt go into the surgery until about 4:50.I watched her get wheeled off and I almost got emotional seeing her. It was the close of our first pregnancy. The whole experience was bitter-sweet. Disappointed but relieved and exited to try again.